How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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