either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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