You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
