I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
