You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making