you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's shark week go big or go home
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
