is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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