the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Pants are for mortals
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
