these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
