O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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