you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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