I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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