Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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