if i can run in heels then i can drive
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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