Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
