remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
