Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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