man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
