It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sorry about my life...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
