I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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