My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
