he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
