I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
