Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
