The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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