farters have to be the big spoon...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
