There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I need a beard to bite.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
