dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
