there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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