This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
