He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
