he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
