Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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