I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
