remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
