Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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