I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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