he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
