I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
