I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
