I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
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I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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