I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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