i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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