so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
