Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
