I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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