I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
