Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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