I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Text me some of your sweat
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
