Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There r osticjed everywhere
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
