yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
