They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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