You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
