Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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