Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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