I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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