Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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