I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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