miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
