last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
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