I think scott just propositioned me for sex
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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