I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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