Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
